It’s Saturday night. I’m currently sitting with some maltesers and a takeaway. However, in my head I’m playing the sexual innuendo game, where you take everything someone says in a sexual way.
“I knew it was going to be too big when I felt it”
“Maybe if I rubbed it”
“Her over the road trimming her bush this morning…”
I’m having so much fun right now.
Laughing and trying to hold it in like…
Have you ever been in a clothes shop and you’ve turned around so quickly that you’ve knocked a mannequin over?
Have you then apologised to this mannequin and their dismembered arm laying on the floor?
I did try to put it back on but managed to put it on backwards so it looked like it was doing a strange ‘Dad Dance’.
I’m so glad it’s Friday.
Things that have annoyed me today:
1. Packets of crisps that are only half full. Don’t give me “at least you’re saving some calories” shit. I want crisps. I want the calories. I want the whole deal.
2. When you want to get a baby wipe out of a packet and you end up pulling out four all at once. This isn’t some like wipe orgy jeeeez guys I’m a one at a time girl I’ll have you know.
3. People who…
Have you ever seen something on a social networking site that made you feel a mixture of anger and hurt?
Have you then also seen this shit, played Destiny Child’s ‘Survivor’ 9 times and then blocked them via every social networking route?
I just did.
I’m nothing and no one special but I don’t have to put up with that. I’m standing my ground, being all feminist and shit and saying no.
1. He or she listens.
When someone loves you, he or she will always listen intently because every word you say is yet another bullet point in the quest to better understand you. Conversations will revolve around coffee, not six tequila shots; if someone loves you, you can bet…
Friend: “If I was in your situation what would you tell me to do?”
Me: “I’d tell you to walk away”
Friend: “Well then…”
It’s so damn easy to dish out the advice like I’m in some kind of mass produced fast food restaurant. “Order 201 here is your meal of ‘he’s obviously moved on’ with a side helping of ‘have enough respect for yourself to walk away, it’s his loss’. Enjoy your day, if you need…
Are we afraid of being without them?
Are we afraid of being alone?
That’s the question.
On a lighter note I was just writing a text message that included ‘I’ll do’ in it and just because I forgot to add one little space between those two words, my phone spelt ‘dildo’. Dirty fucker. It’s too late for that shit.